Lydia Nicole

Jul 23, 202011 min read

How is Your Attachment Style Affecting Your Life and What Can You Do About It?

What is attachment?

Simply put, attachment is how we connect to others, especially those closest to us, such as family, friends, and romantic partners.

Our attachment style affects:

How open or closed we are about our self and our needs
How much we are willing to rely on others/ dependency vs. independence
Help seeking behavior
How we express our emotions to others
Our view of our self in the relationship
Our ability to trust others
Our ability to be truly intimate
Our ability to respond to other’s emotional needs
Our ability to cope with being away from a loved one or being alone
Our ability to cope with disappointment in a relationship

Looking at this list, it is easy to see that attachment styles can affect all of our important relationships and it is worth it to recognize our own style and any ways in which we can improve.

What are the attachment styles?

There are four attachment styles: Secure, Avoidant, Anxious, and Disorganized. Below are descriptions and examples of each (Levine & Heller, 2011).

Secure: slightly less than 50% of the population have this style

Positive view of self
Can ask for help easily when needed but can also be independent when appropriate
Can express feelings to others without much fear
Can trust others and lets them be close
No fears of intimacy with appropriate people
Gives others the benefit of the doubt
Feels that the relationship is constant even when apart from each other
Is neither overly pleasing, overly critical, or overly clingy, or overly distant

Example: Significant other sends a text, “Hey, I’m not feeling up to going on our date tonight.” Secure person gives them the benefit of the doubt that they are not feeling well and does not feel the need to push them away or feel threatened about the state of their relationship. They respond, “I am sorry you are not feeling well. We can reschedule. Hope you feel better soon!”

Avoidant: roughly 20% of the population have this style and it is more common for men

Positive view of self
Overly independent and does not like asking others for help
Does not like to express any negative emotions to others
Prefers to appear calm and aloof/distant
Fears intimacy and does not let others get too close
Can seem critical or uncaring at times
Can have difficulty connecting to others’ emotional experiences
Tries to not let the actions of others affect them but can still be sensitive to criticism

Example: Significant other sends a text, “Hey, I’m not feeling up to going on our date tonight.” Avoidant person feels urge to push the other person away and minimize their own pain. They respond, “That’s fine. It wasn’t a big deal anyway. Another time.” Or they might not respond at all. They then distract themselves with other activities and ignore any feelings related to the disappointment.

Anxious: roughly 20% of the population have this style and it is more common for women

Negative view of self
Can be overly dependent on others
Seeks a lot of reassurance and often feels insecure in the relationship
May be quickly intimate with others and overly emotionally expressive
Can be overly pleasing because of fears of losing the relationship
Can have difficulty knowing where they end and another person begins
Can feel threatened by any sort of distance in the relationship
Views disappointments in the relationship as a negative reflection on their self

Example: Significant other sends a text, “Hey, I’m not feeling up to going on our date tonight.” Anxious person feels their stomach drop and immediately thinks of all of the possible negative reasons why this is happening such as: they aren’t that in to me anymore, they might be wanting to see someone else, I am going to lose them… and these thoughts spiral. They respond, “Oh my gosh, are things okay between us? Are you sick? Do you need anything? I can come over and take care of you.” If they don’t get a response back rather quickly, their anxiety spirals more and they text again.

Disorganized: roughly 5% of the population have this style and it is more common for people who experienced severe childhood trauma

Negative view of self
Switches back and forth between independence and dependence
Wants to be intimate but is also very afraid of letting others in
Often feels insecure in relationships and threatened by any sign of rejection
Can be unpredictable with their emotional responses
Expects to be hurt
Views disappointments in the relationship through an overly negative lens towards both their self and the other person
More prone to attack when feeling insecure in the relationship

Example: Significant other sends a text, “Hey, I’m not feeling up to going on our date tonight.” Disorganized person feels their stomach drop and immediately thinks of all of the possible negative reasons why this is happening such as: they aren’t that in to me anymore, they might be wanting to see someone else, I am going to lose them… and these thoughts spiral. They feel both the need to push away and avoid pain and the need to be reassured. This mix of feelings feels scary and threatening, which might make them feel angry and rejected. They respond, “Are you really cancelling our date? I knew this would happen. You don’t want to be with me anymore, do you?”

***Disclaimer: attachment styles do not play out the same in every situation or in every relationship. They are more of a continuum than 4 distinct categories. A person may skew towards avoidant, but in many situations act secure. They can also change over time.***

What life experiences can form or affect attachment styles?

Caregivers Early in Development:

Initial attachment styles are formed based on how our caregivers respond to us as infants and toddlers. Early attachment theory was focused mainly on this aspect of attachment style formation and paid special attention to the relationship between mothers and their children. Most children form their first attachment to their mother and this process can start while the child is in utero but becomes much more critical after birth and is based on how the mother (or other caregiver) responds to the infant’s needs. Calm and consistent responses that are adequate typically result in secure attachment. Inadequate, infrequent, or neglectful responses can result in avoidant or anxious attachment. John Bowlby, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, was one of the pioneers of early attachment theory when he discovered in the aftermath of WWII that orphaned infants were dying at alarming rates in clinics and orphanages despite having adequate food, shelter, clothing, and medical care (Fletcher & Gallichan, 2016). He noticed that the infants were not being held often but were kept in cribs for most of the day. When changes were initiated so that the infants would be held for certain portions of each day, the death rate dropped significantly. Bowlby’s work has greatly influenced the treatment of babies in hospitals since the 1950’s. His work demonstrated the importance of physical touch, closeness, and comforting as a human need for survival. The attachment style of infants is affected not only by having physical needs met consistently, but by physical affection, being spoken to in a gentle voice, eye contact, play activity, time spent with caregivers, and how the caregivers soothe them when they are distressed.

Building on Bowlby’s work, descriptions of secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles were developed by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1960’s as she did research with toddlers and their mothers (Bretherton, 1992). She studied how these toddlers interacted with their mothers while playing, how they responded when their mothers left the room, and how they responded to their mothers upon re-entering the room. The children with secure attachment played close to their mothers in the room, interacted with them at times, and would look back at their mothers to check in every so often when wandering further away. Ainsworth labeled this behavior as having their mother be their “secure base.” When their mother left the room, they might be upset, but not overly so. They trusted she would come back. Upon their mother’s return, they greeted her in happy ways. The toddlers with avoidant attachment did not need to play in close proximity to their mother, avoided interacting with her, and did not check in when wandering further away. When she left the room, they did not have much of a reaction, and also did not have much of a reaction when she returned. Toddlers with anxious attachment would cling to their mothers and often made bids for their mother’s attention. They were highly distressed when their mother left the room and would either cling to her upon return or punish her with negative behavior such as hitting or acting out. The fourth style of attachment, disorganized was added to the first 3 in the 1980’s

Adverse Experiences:

Adverse experiences later in life such as abandonment, abuse, sexual assault, and significant betrayals of trust can also affect a person’s attachment style and cause it to change over time. For example, a securely attached child who is sexually assaulted may become avoidant, anxious, or disorganized after the event depending on how their caretakers react to their experience. If the caretakers minimize or ignore the trauma, this can disrupt the child’s secure base and ability to trust others to care for them. On the other hand, if the caretakers respond to the child with messages of blame for the event, the child can internalize the feeling that they are “bad” and deserve bad things to happen to them, which can also skew their attachment style.

Significant changes in parenting styles can also affect attachment positively or negatively. For example, parents who become overly critical of a child or become overly authoritarian may fail to meet the child’s need for a safe place to connect and seek help. This can lead to less secure styles of attachment. Likewise, parents who choose to learn to respond to their child’s needs in better ways can bring about more secure attachment.

Later in life, attachment style is largely dependent on the messages we believe about our self and others we have relationships with. While many of these messages may have been internalized at early ages, the layers of messages we receive from relationships throughout our lives continue to affect our attachment style. For example, a person who is cheated on by a significant other will believe something about their self and the other person related to the betrayal. If they believe they were not enough or if they blame themselves for the betrayal, this will affect their attachment style with others in the future. Conversely, if they blame the significant other and believe the message that people will always betray them, this would affect their attachment style in a different way.

How does our attachment style affect our life?

Family relationships and friendships:

People with secure attachment styles are more likely to have healthy relationships with friends and family, a strong sense of self, good boundaries, feel satisfied in these relationships, and repair ruptures more easily.

Those with avoidant attachment will be likely to spend less time with family and have fewer close friends. With the friends they spend time with, they will share little about their internal experiences and may be more focused on activities. They will usually not reach out to family and friends when they need help but will try to figure it out on their own. Family and friends may feel like they choose to be distant and do not care as much about them. They may not be as likely to initiate getting together with friends. They may cut others out of their life more easily.

People with anxious attachment are more likely to be dependent on or enmeshed with their family members. They may seek frequent reassurance from family and friends and not be able to handle distressing emotions without others being with them. They may call on friends and family frequently to discuss other relationships in their lives and vent their anxious thoughts to them. They can have poor boundaries and an unstable sense of self that can cause them to do whatever it takes to please friends and family and avoid criticism or rejection.

Individuals with disorganized attachment will have elements of both the avoidant and anxious styles in their family relationships and friendships. This can be confusing to friends and family as they never know what to expect. Friends and family may feel that they need to “walk on eggshells” around this person at times.

Romantic Relationships:

Attachment styles can be most obvious in romantic relationships as these are the most intimate types of relationships. Many issues in romantic relationships can be traced back to differences in attachment styles. Issues of trust, intimacy, and communicating emotions about needs and disappointments are the most common areas in which attachment styles can clash. A common scenario in which different attachment styles can lead to problems is when a person with an avoidant style is in a relationship with a person with an anxious style. The person with the anxious style will be triggered by the avoidance behavior and will seek reassurance more forcefully, leading the person with the avoidant style to withdraw more. This can become a vicious cycle of approach and avoidance in which both people feel insecure in the relationship. Recognizing each person’s attachment style, triggers, and how they are playing out can help break these cycles.

Parenting:

Attachment styles can be passed down through generations. A parent’s attachment style will affect how they attach to their child as an infant and how they respond to their needs. How this response affects their child will, in turn, affect the development of the child’s attachment style. The good news is, children’s brains are very adaptable and when a parent works on their own attachment style and begins to respond to their child in ways that promote more secure attachment, the child can truly develop more secure attachment.

How do we become more secure?

Safe Space and Attunement:

Healing attachment wounds and working towards more secure attachment unfortunately cannot be done in a vacuum. Attachment is a relational experience, and while people can certainly recognize their attachment style and uncover their internalized beliefs on their own, secure attachments can only be practiced and formed in the context of a relationship. To do this, a person needs a safe space to form their “secure base.” This can be a trusted friend or family member, a therapist, or even a significant other who has demonstrated that they can be trusted and be a safe space for the other person.

Once a person has a safe space, they can start to work towards secure attachment by focusing on attunement. Attunement happens when a person expresses a need and this need is recognized by the other person and met in an adequate and comforting way. Mothers who are attuned to their babies can read their signals and sometimes even anticipate their needs, keeping them in a state with minimal distress. When a person’s emotional needs are met consistently in the ways that they need, their stress level goes down, they become less anxious, and they are able to build trust. For people with the avoidant style, their challenge is to share their needs and build trust as their needs are met. For those with anxious styles, their challenge is to see that their needs are met, that they do not need to fight for their needs to be met, and to accept when a relationship is safe and secure. A person who is trying to attune to another person can ask, “What are you feeling right now? Based on that feeling, what do you think you need right now? How can I help you meet that need?”

Identifying Negative Beliefs and Working on Distress Tolerance:

As previously stated, attachment styles can be rooted in the messages we have internalized about our self and others. Identifying these messages and replacing them with more positive or accurate messages is an important step in becoming more secure. Working on tolerating distressing emotions in healthier ways is also an important step. For those with the avoidant style, they may need to learn to feel and express their negative emotions and allow others to help or comfort them. Their challenge is opening up. For those with anxious attachment style, they can learn to handle disappointment and ambiguity by recognizing their anxiety and using coping skills to lower their anxiety before reacting to another person. Their challenge is to learn to regulate their negative emotions a little more on their own and not relying on others completely for their self-regulation.

Building Trust and Viewing Self Positively:

As attachment wounds are healed, and a person becomes more secure, they can more easily trust their self and others. They can also start to view their self in a more positive way by believing that they are okay when they are alone and when they are with others. They can learn that others’ actions do not affect their self-worth and having needs also does not affect their self-worth.

How is Your Attachment Style Affecting Your Life and What Can You Do About It?

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